It's one of those days where I don't know what to write. Did you miss them audience? I feel as though you did even if I gave you plenty of them in February. Do not fret lil audience I won't be making a video or giving you one sentence of information. I'm feeling as though this should be a more personal post and probably a darker one at that. From me to you.
Dear Audience,
Lately I've been doing what some might consider everything under the moon; traveling to the UK, socializing with my culturally mixed group of friends, taking final exams in French, chucking old jeans that won't be seeing Chicago again, realizing that I'm not sure if I want to go, remembering that I don't belong here. It's all very confusing for me. I suppose that fits, only 21 after all making the world a confusing place. Still it doesn't make it easier.
The friends I've met here are important to me. That's a strong reason of what is causing me to struggle about going home. Only Jaimie and Paula will be in the States and even then are going to be a few hundred miles away. That's something which is infinitely better than nothing, I know that. However when this term ends that's it for so many people in my current life. We aren't coming back. There isn't a ten year reunion for study abroad students.
I would love to visit all my friends and see places like Romania and Hungary with them as my hosts. The likelihood just isn't there. I'll have memories of them and pictures too but part of me hates that those bits are all that will ever be in the future. Damn, the deadlines of tomorrow are approaching so fast. Don't peg me wrong, returning to Chicago isn't the problem. Not at all. I have kin there and I also have Chicago itself. No, what I'm dreading is Iowa City.
My previous two years at Iowa weren't the easiest for many reasons. The main stitch in my side was the fact that I didn't have a stable social circle until second semester of my sophomore year. Freshman year was just a mess in that category. Returning to Iowa means returning to a place that reminds me how alone I can be. Maybe this sounds weak but friends are something to depend on.
Alright that's over-dramatic. I do still have a few friends who haven't graduated who are there, I'll be doing a few new activities, and I'll even be living in a more peaceful apartment complex. I'm not one to mope for days on end, that doesn't solve anything. I should make some new friends by going out and living among the world of Iowa City. Still the environment will always remind me of some not-so smooth semesters which cause reluctance of allowing my next academic term to ever begin.
Yet, oh the forever turning change of thought. Yet Iowa City is my college town. I'll have to work at finding my place (actually finding it) and my peers but that's a challenge to accept when the moment arrives. I couldn't stay here, not in France and not even Europe. Something always draws me to the States where my home lies. The Atlantic Ocean is big, too big to be across from the stars and stripes. I learned this about myself after being away for so long. America I can't ever leave you forever. Double edged sword, my abroad life stays whereas I go. Damn.
Audience I don't think I've ever been this raw with you before. All other times you've seen me spouting off sarcasm and attempting witty lines while writing about my days in France. I'm aware that this wasn't the post you were expecting since I love to entertain with words. Please do not be disappointed, this won't be a frequent occurrence. This is me expressing to you my human side of being afraid and somber. Just had some heavy thoughts on my mind is all.
Thanks for listening all the same.
Your post-master and blog voice,
Mary
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